I hesitated between Romanian and English when I started writing, between saying things as they come to me (in English) or roughly trying to write the same thing (in Romanian). Sometimes I find it stupid when people type their titles in a language, while writing their content in their mother tongue, which is why, for the sake of sacred consistency, English is gonna be bae today.
Or bae after me, of course! *feels totaly divalicious for five seconds*
It’s my birthday today, yeaaaai, I’m 24 and I had the most amazing first minutes of the next 365 days when my boyfriend made me THE MOST RANDOM GIFTS, while disguising the real ones at the bottom of a BIG box. He even wrote me a card (I love that ish) and made me laugh so bloody hard with his creative ding-ding that in half an hour my day was COMPLETE!
Before moving from 23 to 24, I had a talk with my loved one, in my backyard, surrounded by the sound of crickets and of a cat purring on my lap. We talked about many things, but mainly friendship, which this year got me mneah.
Every year, this topic gets me mneah, with the small exception of my EMCI darlings, with whom I managed to connect marvelously, especially during the last few months that lead to our graduation. We talk every once in a while and somehow I feel warm and fuzzy inside every time. And whole. I don’t have to fake it to make it with them, or to fake it so I do not feel the loneliest person in this galaxy. I absolutely love that feeling!
I have had conflicting thoughts on what I should write about today. For the last couple of days, thoughts were brewing in my head, most of which I wanted to get off my chest as fast as possible.
This year has been tough and wonderous at the same time. It’s a no brainer. I managed to graduate from the EMCI and then I saw myself with a lot of time on my hands and no patience to pick up anything else. I decided in spring I want to learn how to drive. I paid the fee, went to classes, now I have driving lessons. It’s the most calming thing in the UNIVERSE. Everything is a beautiful hot anacronism: the countryside green and quiet, days coming and going in a linear fashion, few unexpected things.
Much like my birthday. You have a cake, my family sings Happy Birthday, I cry, I blow the candles, but not before wishing for something good. Just the sight of it makes me hopeful for the new year ahead.
The months leading to 2018 are going to be a challenge. I can say the environment is kind of static, but life is not. And seeing myself out of school, no job, no experience, no fancy internships abroad. I have absolutely no ready-made plan I can pick up from a shelf as if it were a book I can get engrossed in. There is no virtual application in which I can just press play and bam, my life is perfect.
And somehow, it feels scarily ok. I have a small plan. I pray every now and then that it is as functional as the faith I put into it every now and then.
There are many things I have to learn. First, I need to learn how to ignore other people’s opinions, especially those of people who think they can fix my rut and offer me the magical solution so I can succeed. I want to distance myself from everyone’s vision of me. It doesn’t really matter who „they” are: my parents, his parents, some family member that did not make any tangible contribution to my well being for the past 5 years. Or my entire life. People who never called to ask how I was doing, let alone how I was feeling. They suffocate me with their thoughts, while all I need to do right now is run after the firefly that is my small-plan-that-abounds-in-faith into the unknown. At my own time, at my own pace.
I find that parents worry so much that in their pursuits to calm themselves down they manage to meddle into your life (although they’ll then tell you it was never their intention). When you meddle, you disturb the natural order of a person’s life. You make people uncomfortable and you make them fight. I know, this behavior is just a parent’s compulsion to protect their cub from harm, the harm that is THE VOID. They sense it, just like you do when you utter the words „I don’t know what to do with my life”. The thing is only you, a.k.a the cub can manage to fill that void, because it is his/her void to fill. I can grasp this concept, I understand it and yet, I roll my eyes when I hear just another „recipe”, just another „suggestion”, just another „advice”. I get angry, I lash out at my partner. I feel miserable for days doubting, fearing that my small-plan-that-abounds-in-faith is gonna dry out and I’ll be left feeling lost.
I want to learn how to detach from my habit of getting attached to pointless drama that makes me angry and leaves me numb, when I need all the energy I can to stir my plan into action.
Secondly, the next months are going to be an exercise of trust. I need to trust that the stars will align and that I can get my happy ending just like the person next to me can. I need to trust that I can find friends or reconnect to those old ones who made me feel warm and fuzzy without feeding me bullshit and leaving me out to dry when I needed them the most. I need to trust that life can be full of surprises and that there will always be energy left out there to restart.
In my moments of darkness, I think everything’s lost, but that never truly led me anywhere, has it?
Thirdly, I need to stop making mental notes of the things I’ll do when… and start doing things with what I have now. Right now. Gumption, I need more of that for when I decide to go after what I want to achieve. This goes hand in hand with the first thing on my list, the one about detaching from useless things.
I hope you enjoyed my small virtual thoughts about what I feel like on my birthday. Maybe it’s a little too philosophical and I should say that I’m gonna get wasted in some club tonight to celebrate instead. Nope, I’m still diggining the cake-teary-wishes-and-the-most-important-people-around-me jam. Guess I’m getting old. I’d add a beautiful classical song with that as well.